I see, said the blind man
by LadyThompson
Summary: A young prince, long raised on the values of a samurai, is taken in by the leader of a cultish beauracracy. His thoughts, his only true posession, fade away as he is consumed. [Ch5 Folken takes on a new project in the form of an unruly soldier.]
1. Chapter one

[[This story is written using journal entries and events interspersed. I have tried to make it so that the events are preceded by the journal entry that would pertain to them.

The entries are numbered, but not in sequential order. While I think that Folken's journal in its entirety would be a very interesting read, I think he'd probably delve into a lot of theorum and other things that have nothing to do with the story I am laying out.

Enjoy the chapter. Bon appetite!]]

From his first moments there, he was overwhelmed by the queer nature of the place. It addled his mind so that he would not be able to come to terms with his new life there for some time.

Those bright lights were a sign of new beginnings. Painful, confusing at first, and then suddenly....all is made clear in one sweeping moment.

He awoke and stayed where he was for the first few hours of the day. He had much to think about. What he had lost, what he had gained. He regretted terribly losing his throne, but the peace of mind he had felt when he thought he was to die was worth a great deal to him. Equilibrium was the most natural of states, something many strived for but none if any ever attained.

He wished to have that feeling again. He wasn't certain how to retrieve it, though. He used to feel something like it when he would teach Van things. When he knew who he and what his purpose in life was.

I I I I I I

Entry 1.

It is hours later now. There is much to do, though I find little of it useful to me. I won't be able to fight again, I'm afraid. My arm...it is a marvel indeed, but not entirely useful for the lifestyle I am accustomed to. Things will have to change, I've been told. My sword will be useless to me now. Although I may keep it as a reminder. Perhaps.

I have noticed, in my wanderings here, how so many of these people are lost...without hope. They laugh, they cry, they amuse themselves. But they hope for nothing beyond what they know. It seems as if they are resigned to live a meager existence with little purpose in order to help their hypothetical children.

They have nothing to live for but an ideal. How could anyone wonder why they are so loyal?

I shall find it strange living here. No one will pay me much mind. No one seems to have any interest in talking to anyone not of their brethren. I am a stranger to this land, from a place fate has smiled upon more often.

The people seem to have something against foreign-style government in general here. I believe I remind them of those governments, though they do not say it. Perhaps it is my demeanor. I suppose 15 years of being royal is hard to cast away, even if you try your best.

I feel a great pull at my emotions. I find I am unsure of myself, a feeling I have not had since I had begun my training. I had everything set in stone only to see it shattered. What Emporer Dornkirk has in store for me....I am unsure as to whether I should take it....

He has said that he has a purpose for me here, that my services will be needed. I pray the gods it be true. I don't know what I could do on my own now.

He lay upon his bed, overlooking the entry. His handwriting was atrocious. He used to write with his right hand, but that would not be possible for some time. He was not used to this new development. He stared at it. This new...thing. He hated it. All he wanted was to wake up with his body intact, his spirit undefeated.

He was terrified of what they'd be saying now. Fanelia had to have a king. It was very important. If there were no king, there might be chaos. Or worse, the trusted advisors of royalty would have to take over until a suitable ruler was found. That would have to be Van now, who was merely five.

His head fell heavily upon his pillow. What had he done? He loved his brother, didn't he? How could he be so careless?! Mistakes cost lives. He had just cost his brother a life of free willl. His hand balled into a fist. He couldn't do anything to change it. It echoed in his mind. "What have I done?"

There was no answer...

He hastily flipped over onto his side and curled up a bit, his hand covering his eyes. If there was anyone he loved, it was his brother Van. He killed him the same as if he'd taken a sword to his neck.

"How could I have been so foolish?! I...I should have practiced more. I'm a prince, aren't I? We had more armor, more weapons...why did I think that what I had was enough...? I should have...."

He could have rambled on, but he did not have the chance. Almost instinctively, thoughts flowed from his subconscious to protect himself. He would be able to see Van in the future. They could work things out then. He would have to wait a while, but he would make things right.

This thought placated him for some time. He was able to relax again. He lay on his stomach and stare at the wall in front of him, thinking.

I I I I I I

Entry 10

It has been two weeks since I was first received here. The strangeness of these people ceases to fascinate. Instead, it quite frightens me. Would would such a country be capable of, were it to be given full freedom of power over Gaea? They wish to see a world of great joy [I think] but with their beliefs and behaviors, I must wonder whether or not the only freedom Gaea would have would be to follow orders. I must speak with the emporer about this. He seems to understand the innerworkings of his people to the fullest extent.

I have a great deal of respect for him. His desire, it seems, is to save Gaea from its present status. I agree with him, though I do not fully understand how he means to go about doing this. Perhaps I shall one day, but for now it gives me something to ponder. [And I desparately need something to think over. There is nothing else here that has any meaning below its surface]

I I I I I I

He was quite lonely now. No one wished to speak to him, except the Emporer. If they did speak with him, it was not to say anything personal or interesting. These had to be the most boring of people! Even his physical therapist, who came to see him everyday to work with him in getting used to his new accessory, did not talk to him.

"Make a fist. Slowly." Folken did so. "Good. Now, I want you to pick up the wine glass on the table," the therapist said. That task aggravated him, as he just couldn't seem to get it right. He smiled slightly.  
"I don't think it is necessary I practice that," said Folken. "I don't drink."  
The therapist gave a stony glare. His stare was peircing and made Folken uncomfortable. His smile, slight as it was now, faded.

They would continue their sessions from then on without the slightest trace of feeling or comfort. There could be nothing personal with someone who does not have a personal way of life.

I I I I I I

Entry 68

I hate this place!

I I I I I I

Folken had become very sullen. He refused to talk to or see anyone. Or do anything but sit around and read. How could these people be the way they are? Thoughtless and blind, more so than any politician.  
A while back, he had been walking down one of Zaibach's streets, notebook and sketchpad in hand. He still wore his fanelian clothing. He still could not come to grips with the fact that he was not to be Fanelian anymore. Ever again.

He had seen a crowded establishment and decided to go in. [He missed having people around much of the time. Everyone kept to themselves here.] It turned out to be a bar.  
He had sat down and asked for something, having little idea what it was. The drinks were unknown to him. He did not worry about cost, because no one paid for anything here.

A stranger sat down next to him, ordering up quite an alcoholic haze for himself and several of his friends. He had just returned from a hard day's work that he was intent upon forgetting. Folken observed him for a moment, sketching him. He seemed quite a chatterbox, talking loudly with his companions about the day's exertions. After three whole weeks of having met no one who would say even a single word if it wasn't a necessary one, this was quite intriguing.

After the stranger had imbibed a few glasses of alcohol, he was even more inclined to talk. Most of the patrons had left the counter because of their shy nature, but Folken stayed.  
"Hey, tall man," the stranger began so eloquently, "Whatcher business here?"  
"I am merely taking a break from life," Folken replied.  
"Heh...same here. I got me a difficult job, and I don't get away often enough. I gotta run an electricity machine. Big heavy levers, and I gotta pull them down and push them up all day long. Takes a lot of muscle. What do you do?"

Well, what was there to say? It's not as if Folken were actually doing -anything- at this time. He wandered about at will studying the people. That was pretty much his job, and he didn't know when the Emporer would decide to do anything with him. Sometimes he wondered if the Emporer merely felt sorry for him and did not really have anything in mind.

Perhaps he could just shave off a bit of the truth...

"I am a student," Folken replied. "A student of science."  
"Ah....then, you must be working up there on all them fancy things we've got."  
"Yes, I've studied those quite a bit. I have some improvements in mind that I'd like to make."  
He had shared these with some others, but no one seemed interested in listening to him. He was new there, had no set place, and no credentials.

"Ah, well. They'll listen to you in time if you stay persistent," one of the stranger's companions added in.  
"Either that or they'll send you somewhere else," added yet another drunken companion. Others laughed nervously at the 'something else.' It symbolized a dark fear they had that could not be spoken of.  
  
They seemed like a good group of people. And not every word of theirs had been a repeat of some mindless propaganda.  
"Yes, it seems as though Zaibach is adept at taking care of its people," he said, assuming that they had meant he would be transferred to another job. "Though I do wonder sometimes whether they don't do their people a disservice sometimes." Folken had actually begun to feel a bit normal. Talking to random people in a gathering place about nothing in particular was a good way to achieve that.  
  
The stranger and his companions were miffed by Folken's words. Why would he wonder that?!  
"What's wrong with you?! Don't you realize how much Emporer Dornkirk has done for you? For all of us? How dare you question his plans!"  
Folken was taken aback by that outburst. He didn't know what to say. It was so...random.  
"....I do apologize. I did not mean to offend you."  
"Don't worry about offending me! You've offended our Emporer. You're going to pay now. We don't need traitors among us, not with things being so hard and the enemy after us so much as it is. And our soldiers...they don't need this kind of dissent to worry about when they're fighting so hard! We've lost enough!"

"Now, just a moment! I have spoken with Emporer Dornkirk on numerous occations. He has never found my words insulting."  
"Chk...you're lying. What would our great lord want with you?:  
Folken said nothing as he had no idea what the Emporer wanted with him.  
"You are lying! I mean, how could you not be, just sitting there being quiet! Any sane person would defend himself! He wouldn't want anyone to think he had defiled the Emporer's name and wishes! I oughta snap your toes off...."

Folken drew further and further away from the crowd in his mind. Back into that palace that was and always would be solely his, where he could find some measure of peace and sanity. As soon as was acceptable, Folken left the bar and retreated towards the Emporer's fortress. He was very confused and upset. This was one of several similar incidents.  
No one tried to stop him from seeing someone so important as the emporer, though he had no prior notification. He was given that freedom, along with many others. He was very lucky here.

"Emporer Dornkirk, I fail to see how you can let your people be ruled in such a manner. No citizen I have spoken to, civilian or other, has shown that they benefit from your wisdom."  
Folken was deeply troubled. By rights, Zaibach should have been a center of enightenment, a place of renaissance. They were making scientific advances the likes of which no one could imagine or comprehend. How could the Emporer, so devout in his studies and loving of progress, neglect to enlighten and teach his people?

"Folken, you have no vision for the future."

The Emporer prepared once again to lecture his young student in the ways of leadership and psychology.  
"Zaibach is a well-worn country plagued by death and misfortune. The mind does not hold well with continual deluges of limitless stress. The damage of past misofrtunes can not be repaired until the misofrtunes cease to occur. We must gain control of fate for this to hapen. Once we cn force misfortune to ceas, healing many begin."  
Folken silently took the Emporer's words in, mulling them over, contemplating them.  
"You are not expected to comprehend everything that I comprehend, Folken. You have been raised under false beliefs by a people prone to delusion. As such, you should, in turn, be tolerant of my people who, as a result of their misfortunes, are incapable of having truth spoken to them in its pure form. As a child learns, so do they. And so do you. It is more important to give hope to the broken than it is to give knowledge. There has been only suffering in everything they have known, and therefore hope in the unknown is all that they may hold to.

I I I I I I

Entry 69

I should have spoken of my feelings rather than kept them bottled in for the length of time that I did. I feel foolish knowing that the only reason I have been corrected is due to a good deal of coercing and insults.

"It is more important to give hope to the broken than it is to give knowledge."

I must keep this in mind. I see a correlation between myself and these people. Useless through failed trial, by fault of a weak from of mind, a body can be reborn and easily prepared for new life once it has fallen to the depths. The truths I have learned, the truths that the people of Zaibach feel with each pulse of their hearts, are more valuable than the riches and traditions of so many of Gaea's countries. To deny access of these truths to others, even those that would refuse them, is an injustice of greater magnitude thn I am willing to commit.

They must be taught as children are taught. Like children, they have little way of knowing what is right or what is wrong. They do not understand that the constraints placed upon them by caregivers are necessary for their well-being and mental edification. It is necessary, then, to treat them like children. Make promises to hold their attention, give them stories to treasure and to make them think, and be kind to them. At the same time, you must be willing to do things which will do them good regardless of their complaints and testimony what you do for them is unnecessary, or that you are wrong.

There has been much blood shed for little reason. In an effort to rectify the ever-present idea that something is wrong with the world, man has reached out at one another with claws outstretched. The blood will run, I am loathe to admit, until these children may be restrained and their injuries healed. If that blood must flow, let it flow in a direction that will aid in the constuction of a better world.

A warrior learns to channel anger into a formidable source of power and righteousness. So let it be with man's suffering. We shall use suffering to heal suffering, and the world as it is now will end. A new world shall be formed that is worthy of the blessings of our ancestors.

I will endeavor, in the future, to be more honest with the Emporer. The mind can not be refined or improved if one does not open oneself up to new ideas. I must abandon the selfishness of my ego to be more receptive to the truth.

I will not fail this time.

I I I I I I

{{Author's notes:

At the moment, I doubt I'll work more on "Eternity." I hate having barely begun fics on my hand that are discontinued, but I can't do much with them if I lose my vision(or if I never had it in the first place.).

At the time I started this, I needed a break from Dirandau. And since I play Folken in the only RPGs I'm doing at the moment, I thought he would be a good subject.

I've always had a soft-spot for him, but never really had much interest in delving a great deal into anyone but Dirandau.

Another reason I chose to write for him is that I've been very stressed out. He is a calm person, and so I thought it would be good therapy to emulate someone calm for awhile. It has helped me a lot.

As for myself...

Right now, I am looking to get out of the navy. I don't know what my internet connection will be like at my Aunt's house, so it looks like I will be having sporadic updates for some time after this as well.

I would also like to say "Yay!" for 's new way of allowing people to upload and edit things. I can underline, I can do italics, I can control my spacing! I'm going to try to figure out how to use this indent thing, so that I can actually write things up the way I want to. It made me so happy that I actually went through and looked for typos as well. Haven't done that in anything I've written in awhile (But then again, I haven't written much for some time, so I guess it doesn't really matter.)

Happy trails.  
-Lady Thompson}}


	2. Chapter two

Entry 80

I am quite used to this place now and understand the basic concept of how things work. I find myself quite comfortable, though this place is not the most conducive to a happy lifestyle. Lack of funding and time deprives this place of things most countries have. They must concentrate upon survival, and spiritual care is secondary to that. It is a very somber energy which fills this place. The presence of this energy strengthens my desire to help. New ideas come to me all the time in regards to how things could be improved.

I must say, this place is considerably more beauraucratic than any other country I have ever seen. It almost seems as if one needs a permit to breathe. I have been here for at least a month now, and still there is much paperwork that must be completed on me. I shall have to study the way in which Zaibach's adminitration works. I am certain there is much that could be changed for the better. No one can be that slow.

The situation as to the development of my usefulness here has improved. I am to become apprenticed to one of Zaibach's revered scientists, which should prove very interesting. It will be good to have some direction in my studies and help with things I can not learn on my own. If I do well, I may be able to spend some of my apprenticeship doing actual work. I would appreciate that, as it would alleviate some of my feelings of anomie.

My living quarters arrangement will change along with that. To conserve space, of which Zaibach has a limited amount, communal living quarters are used for housing citizens of different specialties. I will be sent to one for those of the intelligence, medical, and scientific community. It seems they would be more my kind of people than the soldiers and average citizens I have met, so that will be good. I am supposed to have a roommate, and am unsure about that. I've never been deprived of the luxury of being able to hide away from others in solitude. I don't know what that will be like, though I am certain I will be able to handle it.

I think I will study some more after this to help myself be prepared. I would like to make a good impression upon my new master. I would regret repeating the mistakes I made when working with Balgus.

I-I I-I I-I-I I-I I-I I-I I-I I-I I-I

Entry 95

If the community here is decently represented by my roommate, I think I shall kill myself. I honestly don't know how someone could be as reprehensible as Kieko. I have mentioned several times in this record that he bothers me constantly when I write. He kidnapped this journal, and now devotes his full attention to annoying the hell out of me when I write or study, as he is doing at the present moment I don't know how I could ever grow to respect Zaibach's anthem when he sings it so atrociously.

I have attempted to get to know him and have discovered that we are as different as we possibly could be.

He cares deeply for Zaibach and his deepest wish is to accomplish its goals. That is as much as we share. He cares nothing for anyone outside of that, which strikes me as odd. How can someone care for their country and yet hate everyone else that they know? It would seem that love for country begins with love for individual people and the latter can not exist without the former.

He seems to lack any sort of respect for animals. I have witness more than once his senseless torture of them. I have spoken to my master about his activities, only to be told that it is perfectly acceptable, and that if I am to succeed in this field I must not be so sensitive. It drags on my nerves, but I will do my best to restrain myself from saying anymore. I would not like to lose my place here. There is far too much work to be done to let it be delayed by that idiot's actions.

As for his devotion to his work, he manages to actually care enough about it to learn his trade. I don't know how that works. The idiot doesn't care about a thing. Especially not my things. Which he is now trashing.

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-l

Entry 96

I now have a new roommate. His name is Haruno. He is out at the moment, having decided to visit friends for much of the night.

I have been further warned that usage of the scalpel and other medical instruments is to be reserved for use in the lab and emergencies only. I have been further advised that violent actions will not be tolerated.

I feel unjustly persecuted. I would have done nothing, were it not that I was severly provoked. I must study if I am to be good at what I do, and he was disturbing the peace I need in order to do that. I had tried to get the issue resolved by using the chain of authority. However, no one deemed the issue important They seem to think I must be high maintenance because I am from another country.

My reputation has, since I've been here, degraded considerably. Rumors of every style and size have travelled far about me. I suppose it is because they do not know me, and there are not many people who come into this community that are not natural citizens.

Even my master, Karuko, seems to share the negative view people so often hold about me here. However, in his mind, this reputation is secondary to my skills, and so I do not mind as much. At least he will judge me fairly.

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I

Entry 120

Damnit, I shall kill myself!

l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l

Entry 160

It was damned hard to convince them to let me have my journal, but I'm certainly glad that it happened. I don't think it right of them to treat me like this. I've been locked up for a few days now. It's beginning to get to me. These steel walls closing in on me. It makes me wonder if there still is a world out there. Perhaps there isn't. Perhaps it just all dissapeared that day. I don't really know. I'm sure they wouldn't tell me.

They keep giving me medicine. Or trying to, at least. I don't see what good it does. It makes me feel hazy and ill. I have asked repeatedly to see Master Karuko, but either he isn't allowed to come here or he simply does not wish to. I wish he would just come and check on me. I'm sure he wouldn't agree with them. They tell me there is something wrong with me, that I'm ill. But I know the truth. They lie to me because they hate me. I don't know why they hate me, but they do. They've read through this journal and bother me endlessly about the entries. Most often they ask about the numerous ones in which I mention how I shall kill myself. They ought to have realized I wasn't serious. I was just frustrated...so very frustrated.

l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l

Entry 249

Master Karuko has finally come to see me! I was overjoyed at the chance to speak with him. He told me that my work has been reviewed and it has been decided that I should take a place in a small group of scientists, headed by Lord Korrade. I have never met the great Lord Korrade, but I have heard wonderful things about him. His is one of the more important groups in Zaibach.

I am so very thankful for the chance I am being given. These months of doing nothing...they make me appreciate so much more what little work I was being given. I have been told that before I settle in, the Emperor would like to speak with me once more. I shall be glad to hear his wise words once more.

(((Author's notes: Okay, so this is a pitiful amount of wordage. I'm sorry. I haven't really been writing fanfic lately. I feel guilty for starting so many fics and not continuing them, so I thoughtI ought to at least put something out. (I've had most of this chapter sitting on my computer for a long time now...)

I didn't feel that this chapter needed the stuff behind the scenes written out. I was going tow rite it, but it just seemed complete to me. So...I may write the between stuff in later, but it'll probably stay like this.

I have another fic I am currently working on about the sorcerers. Korrade is an important character of it. I have one chapter finished and nearly a second. I don't want to post it until I have at least three or four, though.

Until the next update, fair winds and fair seas.)))


	3. Chapter 3

Alright love, here it is for your scrutiny. Have fun.

Wa ha! A gift for the new year - Angst!  
Don't you miss the days when I would sometimes update more than once a week/month? I suppose the slowing down is something that happens when people suffer that which is called 'life' and 'experience.' I'd rather not suffer it, but it keeps coming. Like a bad friend that always calls you at 4 AM to babble about the latest film, life is always there.

I think it ought to be known that I'm no good with sequences soemtimes. Entry 160 should actually be 121. The only reason I made it 160 was because I have been trying to portray passage of time. However, Folken's statement that it took forever to get his journal back would indicate that Entry 160 is the first one he made after he got it back. (After all, why would he bring it up about 40 entries later)  
I apologize for that and ask forgiveness. My mental capacity for simple math is not what it ought to be.

Entry 300

Settling in to new places is always interesting. I feel...not quite at home here, but the closest I suppose I'll be getting to that.

I do love working for Lord Korrade, though I must say I fear for what type of work I shall be working on upon the completion of my training. I ask but receive no answers in reply. Lord Korrade tells me to be patient and that I will find out in time. I realize this. I realize that patience is a virtue which one should always strive to maintain. I do strive to maintain it.

As for my training, it goes well. I suppose so, anyway. It is hardly anything I haven't done before. Plenty of work with biology, making medicines for the people of Zaibach. I feel this work should not prove difficult, and therein may lie a problem. I feel that soon after ending this training, there may not be enough variety in my work to keep me interested. Though I am deeply indebted to the Emperor and to Zaibach for allowing me to stay and help, I should still hope that I will not continue to suffer such boredom. It has always been one thing I have not done well with. I used to say that I might lose my mind were I left with nothing to use it for.

I must be off now. Lord Korrade is furious that Astantio has let his plants fall to such ruin lately. Such a nuisance Astantio is. He never finishes anything, never keeps his work in order, and never takes the blame for any trouble he causes if he can help it. Lord Korrade seems to see through this, thankfully. I can only hope that Lord Korrade is biding his time before striking the rebellious youth down hard on the head. I should hope to be there when that happens.

Entry 315

I suppose that even if I lose interest in this job, I shall never find any end of mystery in Lord Korrade. I have found myself with many a spare moment to bother him with this or that. He is quite kind in taking the time to discuss theorum and formulas indepth with me. More than once he has informed he that he is impressed with my abilities. However, he does have issues with my 'lack of motivation.' More on our disagreements will follow when I feel annoyed enough to mind his opinion in this regard.

Lord Korrade asks me repeatedly of my past. Most leaders do ask. I would think that with all the records kept on me, no one would have any need to ask anything. Whether they should like to know what side of the bed I get up on in the morning or what my favorite color is The actual question asked was, "What color are you most drawn to?" I assume this was for some sort of psychological assessment., it would all be written down and easily accessible. If not, I must wonder what all the record keeping is for. We are the highest power, and so should we not find ourselves able to look up simple facts?  
At any rate, I did not care to speak about it with him. I have found that if I keep quiet and do not mention much of anything, no one bothers to insult or degrade me for it, nor do they do their best to get me executed or put away. Silence is of the most wonderful forms of protection in this nation, I have found. I would dearly love to believe that if I were disclose my past, my feelings and the things that I believe in, that Lord Korrade would be understanding or, at the very least, leave me to my own. However, I doubt that will happen and I should rather like to keep the respect I have for him. Therefore, in order to keep from having my potential illusions shattered, I will not tell him anything.

And thus, I fear, your pages will be filled quite often through the years, as I have no one else I may speak with about much of anything.

Entry 380

I know that this is the fourth time I have written in here today, however I have reason for this. Just a moment ago, I had my fourth inquiry for the day, followed by a warning. I suppose it isn't unexpected. After all, a natural curiosity is expected, demanded in this field. However, I find Lord Korrade's constant demands that I tell him about myself aggravating. I have grown tired of his inquiries and have just now told him that the information can be found in my records. To my surprise, he informed me that he had already looked through my records. Furthermore, I have been banned from continuing my training until I am willing to speak with Lord Korrade further about this.

I suppose I will speak with him later after all. I have worked hard to get where I am now. If he already knows my past, I don't see why he wishes for me to reiterate the information, but at least then he will not see me differently.

I shall never understand why jobs that are easy enough are cluttered and defiled by personnel who wish to make them difficult for whatever reason. I do the work that he asks of me. The only thing I have refused is to speak with him about personal matters. This, as I understand it, is not necessary when speaking to an upstanding superior. I suppose that nothing I have ever learned here is absolute. So I suppose I should quit counting on anything anyone has ever told me, save for Emperor Dornkirk. Perhaps trust is not considered natural to these people. I can imagine, what with how difficult their lives seem to be.

I feel I should definitely speak with him later. Hopefully I will have less stressful notes than I have had for the past few entries.

Entry 426

How can this keep happening? Peace for a solid week, and then...and then it all goes back to the way it was! I can't win! No matter what I do, SOMETHING happens and then everything is a miserable mess. And I have to clean up after it. And that damned Astantio, my supposed partner, not only does not help me but also does all he can to cause more problems. Broken glass is his specialty this week. And by the way, the broken glass also leads to various concoctions being spilled upon the floors and counters, which can sometimes lead to replacement of tiles and counter tops, as well as replacing various equipment. He is not trustworthy enough to fix it himself and, joy of joys, I am such a good repairman.  
I have asked repeatedly that Lord Korrade, at the very least, allow me to tutor Astantio. As he is my partner and his mistakes are my responsibility, I feel his education should also be in my hands. Lord Korrade will hear none of it. He felt it an exceptionally arrogant suggestion on my part to think that I had mastered my training enough to teach it. Never mind that others come to me when studying or doing their labwork to ask questions because they do not wish to be embarassed in front of their superiors, or the fact that I never have to ask a single question of anyone else. Let us also forget the fact that I am well over half finished with our training work, far ahead of schedule. This is completely irrelevant to everything and nothing I do matters towards anything. Though I ask for no accolades, only a bit of rest from these foolish games, I am apparently not worthy enough to have it. No, I am arrogant for asking.

And while we are on the subject of Lord Korrade, might I make mention of how difficult he is to appease? I have told him every detail of my past That lovely meeting lasted five hours, three of which were on my ever-dwindling personal time., and yet there is still more he wants from me that he does not make clear. I asked him just before I came here what more he wants from me that I am not already giving him. This was seen as a sign of rebellion. I don't see how it could be taken that way. Even he admits that my words are always marked in respectful tones and with well-chosen words. Rebellious? I hardly think so!

I shall be speaking to him later. Of what, I do not yet know. I will stay here to clear my mind and think of how best to bring up my argument Though at this point, I hardly know what argument I shall choose. We've had so many that we are running out of ideas.

Entry 427

Rebellious, disrespectful, presumptuous, moody, conniving, contemptuous....so many words my Lord Korrade has in his vocabulary. I didn't know he thought so much of me.

I suppose I am slipping into petty insults, something I avoid at all costs. However, I feel driven to this.

"If you don't start acting in a consistent manner, I can't use you. Even if you are so intelligent and well-suited to the position."

I can be consistent, but no one will let me! They set these damned expectations and rules and then proceed to tell me it is illegal to either follow or not follow them. I can only choose one or the other, and it seems the choice makes no difference; in essence, there is no choice: I must draw the ire of every damned official in this place. How can the Emperor's people be so?

I've quite a few things to say to Lord Korrade. However, everytime the opportunity for me to speak arises, I am ordered to my quarters. I suppose he is afraid to have anyone stand up to him. I can't imagine why, as he holds power of life and death over those like me.  
Or perhaps he wants to make it clear to me that my opinion does not matter? I can hardly believe that is true.

I shall speak with him once more about this. I have been staying away from the Emperor for quite some time, but perhaps it is time I spoke with him again. If I gain no advantage from speaking with Lord Korrade, I shall see Emperor Dornkirk as soon as possible.

Entry 428

See me about this, Folken.  
-Korrade Tsokia

Entry 429

Apparently, I am to be afforded no privacy whatsoever. And apparently, Lord Korrade intends on using my journal as a message service. He was not appreciative of what I had written about him. I did attempt to inform him that the purpose of a journal is to record one's thoughts and to help relieve stress and therefore should be excused. He would hear none of it. He went so far as to say that he could understand a person having disagreements with his superiors, but that was as far as he would bend. I have been informed that my attitude towards everything needs major work Because he apparently had time enough to read everything. He has also berated me for not sharing everything with him as I said I had.  
We have had our first uncivil argument. I do not feel compelled to accept whatever it is he is trying to force upon me. I do not need a friend in him, I need a mentor and leader. And in that area, I need a mentor and leader who will help me advance.  
I did not lose this argument. Neither of us did. We had to give up on it because of emergency work which Lord Korrade has been placed on. I have been ordered to stay in my quarters for the next two days and to report to his office at 0900 after that. He has grown fond of imprisoning me in here and removing my personal things. He knows it drives me insane.

Lord Korrade has decided to be gracious, or so he says. He is 'willing' to allow me to advance in my training. Or as he put it, I have stagnated long enough by sticking to these environmental studies when I obviously needed to move forward. Certainly, the fault is not mine. I obviously do not choose my training. Were I to do that, I'd have advanced many months ago.

He can't seriously.  
Oh, Astantio is here. Delectably perfect, I'll say. Not only did he leave all of yesterday's work mixed in among my things, but he left them less than half finished. Perhaps Lord Korrade doesn't care enough to tell anyone other than myself around here what they do wrong, but I will make up for the deficiency.

Entry 433

Three days locked in a room with Astantio. Look at him, sitting there. Slouching on his unmade bed. And he stares at me as if I am some wild boar. Does he think I'll eat him or something?

I feel that Lord Korrade's punishments grow more and more unfair. Astantio had complained to him that I had been excessively cruel Which is entirely untrue, but as Lord Korrade tires of me, he believes it.. Lord Korrade has decided that the two of us will spend time locked together until we can learn to act civily. For the most part, he means me. I know he only means to punish me, because he hardly says a word to Astantio at any given time. I don't recall the last time Astantio has been insulted as I have.

Ah...and now he informs me that he will not end up like my old roommate. Word does travel well around here. Perhaps I shall stop my writing and give this my full intention. I find that looking people in the eye helps to convince them when I am lying. They believe that a person can't, but I must differ from that. It is the easiest thing in the world if it is done right.

Entry 445

....I can't do this job. I shall never be able to, no matter how long I try. It was one thing getting used to the ill treatment from others, from everyone. I can deal with that. I can deal with those that hate Zaibach, that are confused about their ideals. I can do menial work for the rest of my life and simply exercise my mind in my free time. I can do that perfectly well, perfectly fine.

However, I can not see how I can do this job, nor how this job serves a good purpose.

I will fight and make war, if need be. I will go to the streets of other countries and recruit, or at least spread Emperor Dornkirk's message.  
But I can not do this. Had I known...had I known, I would have stayed locked up the first time. I should rather be locked away than to be expected to commit such things...

I have told Lord Korrade that I can not do any more in my training. He tells me that I am far too useful. So I am useful and therefore cursed. This country has a strange way of rewarding talent. If you are good, you take the slack and beatings for those who are not. If you are intelligent, you are burdened with the task of solving all the problems created by those that are not. The strong take care of the weak and the weak are many. While I find this admirable, the strong should make some effort to teach the weak to take care of themselves.

Lord Korrade obviously will not listen to me. I did not believe he would, however I did have hope that he might. That hope is shattered now and so on to the next approach. He will listen to me, one way or another. He will have to because I am certainly not doing the work he has given me. And I must say that any remaining respect for him has been torn away from me. Anyone that can do such things and still talk the way he does is an atrocity himself, as horrid as his actions. And he has the complete audacity to tell me everything and anything about myself. He knows nothing about me, especially if he thinks that I would do what he is asking me, even if I could.  
No one can force me to pick up a knife or a needle, no one can force me to use them. And no amount of torture can change my mind.

And ending on that happy note, thank you for reading.

I have decided not to use actions inbetween. I find it more of a challenge to simply write the story with his entries. Or rather, I find it impossible to sit and write the actions and so am trying to find something good about this.

For fun, you might want to read "Healers in Shadow" and compare the back story with what is going on in this story. I have intended that the two have the same events.

I love writing from the POVs of different characters, but in this case I have to say that Folken isn't trustworthy in his opinions. He is not presenting the facts fairly. He rarely would, in my opinion. Even if it weren't his journal he were writing in, I think he does his best to persuade people of this or that by...well, not bending things, but presenting them in such a way to gain anything and everything he damned well pleases to.

It might seem that he has a little of the blind worship which Dirandau also shows for Emperor Dornkirk. However, it is not completely blind. The Emperor saved him in the first place. Because he took such care to, Folken has to believe that the Emperor saw something important in him.  
Secondly, Folken thinks everything over once or twice...or three hundred times. He is very capable of persuading others towards this opinion or that. Except Van. Would it not make sense that he'd find it easiest of all to persuade himself?

Soon this story will be moving to one of my websites, entitled...well, it doesn't have a proper title. For now it is named "Philosophy and death," and I blame not sleeping all New Year's eve and then sleeping all New Year's day nd not being able to sleep the night after that for the stupid title.  
I do have a link to it for now, though there is nothing on 


	4. Chapter Four

Well, well, well. It has been a long time since I have had anything up on FFN, hasn't it?  
I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was inspired completely by a picture of Folken unwillingly getting his hair cut by a midget and a night of no sleep.

Stay tuned after this chapter for previews on upcoming works.

And now for the fic. Bon apetite.

Entry 450

I have calmed slightly. I will try my best to help. I suppose it isn't so bad a job. And with how some of these others are Namely Astantio, if living subjects must be worked with, I suppose it would be better for someone with a gentle hand to keep them calm rather than someone cold and distant to traumatize them.

Perhaps I can do this after all. If I set my mind to it, I can do most anything. We are all of us stronger than we believe, if only we will have sense enough to drop our chains when we fight.

I suppose an apology to Lord Korrade would normally be in order. Or...no, I suppose not. I've done precious little wrong. I have my convictions and I am sticking to them. He must understand and respect this. Any sensible mentor would appreciate such a quality in a student. Unless, of course, that mentor is not interested in teaching as my last mentor had been.

I shall speak to him, at any rate, to make mention of my change of heart and renewed sense of motivation. He will be pleased, I should hope.

Entry 464

Though pain, I know, is merely a sign that something must be rectified, the sizable presence of it in every day life is hardly a benign symbol. We are hardly doing enough to combat it, I feel. We need to do so much more. More than what these feeble experiments could accomplish.

I can not help but wonder at why we have so many short assistants. Why we have so many young soldiers and workers here. They'll die young. If they don't, they'll die completely without heart. It should not be that way. They do not dream and do not wish to. They are hardly living, yet think that life could not be anything more than what they have.

Do they ever even wonder what lies behind those gates?

Entry 467

I suppose I will always regret leaving my brother behind. I have not been able to get any news of how things are progressing in Fanelia. I should at least like to know whether or not he is doing well. 

Perhaps I could borrow one of the messengers to find some information.  
Or maybe an advisor. They do keep stock of what other nations are doing.

Entry 468

You need to let it go.  
-Astantio

Entry 469

Damnit! I leave my journal alone for one moment and Astantio feels he has found his chance to get ahead! This is my only measure of keeping a bit of privacy, as I have told Lord Korrade many, many times. I need something which I can keep to myself. If I can not do that, I can not work things out. One tires of always talking in one's own head. One requires something to map that vast battleground out with.

And here he is again. Wonderful. He asks me if I am writing again. I should think that would be rather obvious, what with the pen and the book and the wonderfully peaceful silence which he had just shattered.

I

Entry 470

I should like to continue where I was previously, as I don't like leaving things so abruptly ended. However, the way the subject matter had progressed...well,I just don't know.

I suppose I'll just get a lock for this journal. I do not wish to have anyone who is curious to have access to my thoughts any longer. They interpret them incorrectly and try to help me without ability, like a doctor trying to cure a cold with amputation.

He has been warned to distance himself from me. If he can not keep himself away willingly, I can just as easily push him. I do try to be kind, but to no purpose. Simple things I ask for, those which ought to be common decency, are denied and met with hatred for the mere action of requesting.

And he has absolutely no right to tell me how to feel about my past. An empty void can not be destroyed or subdued. It must be filled. Otherwise it is always there.  
He has not experienced loss.  
He's had nothing to hold to in the first place.

I'm not sure which is the more tragic.

Entry 471

Ah, the fresh pages of a new journal. How comforting their crinkling sound is. I suppose I ought to just leave the previous journal to the rubbish pile. It is filled with many things which I would rather forget, I suppose. However, accuracy begs that I keep it. And what else do I have in this place, anyway?

I am glad to have once again been able to speak with the Emperor. He was very patient with me, with my requests. I must admit that I was not in the best of temperaments during our recent meeting. He, however, was perhaps the only one who did not think me mad. Rather, I should like to think he saw my point of view.

At any rate, I have recieved a transfer. I shall now be able to work as lead Strategist for Zaibach, overseeing weapons production and the art of war. It is a far cry from what I have been doing for the past few years. The change will do me good.

As I stay calmly seated in the recesses of this transport, I can't help but have hope that the future will perhaps overshadow the past, so as to make everything more worthwhile in the end.

Entry 475

Everything is in such a state of...well, disorder would be an interesting phrase for it. It isn't the ranks or the supplies that are out of order. It is the opinions of the other officials. While everyone agrees that peace must be brought about and that the Emperor is a man worthy of honor, no one can agree on how peace should be brought about or what the Emperor's words mean.  
And any advice from myself is promptly sneered at and ignored.

I am not certain, but there seems to be a pattern developing with my relations to other people.

Entry 481

I should keep a log of the enemies I have acquired. The latest is my taylor. He holds no love for the needs which must be met with my clothing. While taking my measurements, he could not help but make several mentions of the 'fucking toga.' He has also made several mentions of the fact that if I ruin any of the outfits that he makes for me, he will not be responsible for his actions.

From this, I infer that a toga is a difficult thing to make. Either that or he has no talent for modifying patterns. The latter seems more likely, as there are precious few around here who are not in nearly perfect health Mental health excluded.

I suppose I shan't be doing anything to harm these creations of his. No one wants to have their throat slit with sewing shears while they are sleeping.

Entry 490

We have finally managed to coordinate and agree enough to have a meeting. At present, several representatives, advisors and politicians are gathering at this meeting table. I suppose I ought to be nervous at my first chance to be able to talk with them.  
But what is the worry for me? I know the outcome already. They hate me. They disagree with me and see no merit in any ideas that I have. This is a given, a stagnant variable. It is the control factor in that logic problem known as my life.

And as the glares come in my direction, I suppose they will now pretend to hear what I have to say. This ought to be fun.

Entry 491

The meeting was not so unsuccessful as I feared. I get along with the politicians fairly well. Their only concern, of course, is the economical aspect of war. I have placated them in this, hopefully putting across that I do understand the severity of Zaibach's poverty. Though I am not certain they appreciated my remark that Austerity had put her fine touch upon most everything here.

Advisors are a little more difficult, as they always feel they are right. It is hard to argue with someone like that, as many people remark about arguing with myself.  
I believe the best way I will have to deal with them is to ignore them. Seeing as they will think whatever they wish no matter what I say, I will say what I feel and to hell with them.

As for the representatives...what can be said of them? They are soldiers chosen to represent officers. They shall be my worst problem, and it is easy to see why. Soldiers only wish to be controlled by other soldiers. My past has not caught up with me here, and so they know nothing of where I come from. It will, doubtless, catch up with me in the future. I would rather not bring it up to others, for I am enjoying this little reprieve. As far as they know, I am merely a student of politics and have never been in a training hall, let alone in battle.  
As such, they feel assured that they will be forgotten in my plans and that I will be a rope about their necks, to hang them if they dare step too far.  
They were the only ones to argue blatantly with me. They have no shame and no fear. And of course they have no tact. Perfect soldiers, yes?

I think I can manage to get along with the others, but I feel these soldiers shall be no end of trouble to me.

Entry 530

Another meeting gone by and nothing accomplished. Several battles were planned, but that is it. These meetings could accomplish so much more if their were more cooperation.  
Too much to hope for, I suppose.

I have taken to wandering about again. This is still not highly looked upon down here. However, there is something wonderful that I have discovered in this new position which makes everything better.

I am in charge.

This short phrase makes the hateful looks and dissagreements go along so much smoother. In fact, it provides a lot of amusement for me, which has previously been in short supply. Nothing exasperates someone so set in their ways as a Zaibach native than to have some strange foreign idiot being bolder than they could hope for. They don't seem able to handle it.

Entry 535

My short excursions become less and less well-recieved. I suppose I will stop having so many of them, lest others think that I am doing no work. I could not help myself, however. With how long I went without any break at all, I could not help spending more time out in the sunlight. No one here seems to understand what it is like to be without sunlight. They have spent their lives indoors. And they are so unforgiving about it.

There is also some annoyance over my habit of 'picking up strays', as they call it. No one knows what to make of this. I should think it obvious. I am simply extending a little kindness to those in need. That is all. Those two girls I found, for example, are two very good reasons why we must accomplish our goals. Their world ended so abruptly, so violently, and with precious little reason but prejudice and greed. This is what we must stop. This is what we work for.

Entry 590

I know I have mentioned this several times, but I must once more make mention of the fact that I detest soldiers.  
They are waging their own personal war against me. They grudgingly take my advice and my orders, but their resentment is a little more than obvious.  
I finally have the experience of addressing a general. That was...pleasant. I must write down some of his comments, lest I forget them. They are far too amusing to let pass into the abyss.

"You have too much personality for a servant of our Emperor"  
-I am convinced that a smile is the equivalent of an insult to these people. Everyone becomes unbelievably incensed when I do even slightly smile. I ought just never smile again, I suppose.

"Your haircut is far from regulation"  
-The general had quite a few things to say about my appearance. He showed that he actually had a slight sense of humor in this instance when he mentioned that 'Dignitaries, by their very nature, should at least know how to exhibit some dignity."

"Of course, if you were under my command, you would be on restriction for the rest of your life"  
-Might I ask where this reputation of being wild and recklass came from? I did a few things to defend myself, that was it. I try to be quiet and do my job.  
And it isn't as if a soldier of such high rank has never killed anyone or struck another man in anger. I don't do it when I am able to be myself. I only do it when placed in a situation I can not abide by. I suppose no one else will ever understand that..

"I really don't like you"  
-I must commend him on his mildly named abhorrence. Very tactful for a soldier.

"You have absolutely no sense of respect"  
-I'll never understand why anyone despises a person writing while they are talking. It helps me think, and so it is a sign that I am truly considering a person's words, not the other way around. Not to mention it helps to keep a person from making some very tactless remarks. Really, everyone ought to try it. (Then again, because I am writing these down to insult him, I suppose he is justified in this statement.)

"I see that you will be a lot of work"  
-Because apparently he feels that he'll have to train...well, whatever it is that aggravates him..out of me. I suppose this will provide for some very interesting conversations.

At this point, he seems to have become so fed up with me that he excused himself to his ship.

All in all, he's not that bad a person to converse with. And the business of his wanting to have me executed really adds to the relationship, I think.

Entry 608

I've had enough. They listen to none of my plans, but have plenty to say when it comes to criticizing me! They worry about my behavior, namely my taking care of my two girls. Why should they worry? The girls don't take up any ungodly amount of my time. I take care of all my duties and care for them in my spare time. It should be no concern of theirs whatsoever.

And let us not forget that these men take so much stock in my appearance and demeanor. Never in what I have to say.

This foolishness will come to an end. They will listen to me. This next meeting will be made use of or there will be consequences. I will see to it.

Entry 610

It was such a lovely change of pace to have a good meeting for a change! I accomplished everything I had hoped to and had no trouble being heard this time. I shall have to make a formula for how to have all these meetings go from now on.

I was purposely late to this meeting. Everyone else always shows up later than I, and I am forced to do something to take away the boredom. This leaves me in an unguarded position, one which all others can attack as a sign of disrespect and lack of work. Being late is seen as a sign of a busy schedule. It also allowed for a wonderful interruption.

And I had, after much annoyance and brooding, decided to give in to their demands about a change in appearance. Though I feel, or at least hope, that they were dissapointed in how it was changed. I decided on the most outlandish cut I could think of. I couldn't tell if it was more displeasure or mere shock at the site of it.  
Most likely I won't keep it this way. However, if they ever feel the need to make mention of my appearance again, the dreaded mullet awaits them in the deep dark shadows.

I made mention of the decision to send my girls off to training. I had spoken to them about it the night before. They will be sad to leave me, however they are excited. They have always been interested in swordsmanship. This will be a wonderful opportunity for them.  
After that introduction, I stated the business of this meeting. I also stated, quite coldly, that there would be no interruptions. I was able to present my plan with ease.  
To prevent anyone from engaging me in useless arguments, as had occured in all previous meetings, I excused myself and instructed all questions to be sent via messenger to my quarters.  
I left some bewildered men in that room. Bewildered and angry.

And, honestly? I don't care.

Entry 640

This job is far too easy, I am finding. And without the girls here, I find myself without anything of much interest to do. The weather has not been very good and so I have been a little discouraged about traveling outside.  
I suppose a man should not curse his efficiency, but I would appreciate it if some of my work were to overlap in my personal life.  
I have requizitioned a large journal for myself. I tire of re-reading the books that I have in stock, and so I felt I ought to write my own. I've titled it "A Brief Look at Philosophy." I am certain that no one else will ever wish to read it. However, it should at least amuse me for a little while.

I have also been studying the Alseides units. I've discovered several modifications that could be added to these to improve their efficiency and safety. And a very neglected thing is the level of comfort. If a person is to be trapped in a guymelef for hours or even days at a time, comfort will be an issue.  
The mechanics are very friendly towards me, I have found. They love anything that could help to make their work easier, or at the very least more interesting. I am thankful that at least some people here do not hate me.

Entry 651

I haven't been writing much in here lately. My book is taking up more of my freetime, which I suppose is best. I've not had much to add to introspection and that is what I would prefer to have right now.  
I have managed to write five volumes on the subject. I suppose one thing I can not fault my arm for is the fact that with it, I can write nearly as fast as I think. That prevents the usual hardship of having too many ideas to write them out at once.

Meetings are going well as usual, but we are having some difficulty in regards to new recruits. There simply are not enough children of Zaibach to fill the ranks. I have mentioned numerous times in the past that it might be wise to contract soldiers from other countries, but the patriotic natives as usual despised the idea.  
Well, despise it or not, we're doing it. It is not a strategic move to have our troops dwindle. They will integrate or there will be consequences.

I have been studying the current status of other countries lately. Asturia seems the most likely candidate for an ally. While they enjoy a hefty amount of free will and normally would never sign an agreement with something they view as a third-world country, we have something in our favor. Asturia is ruled by two things: Fear and Greed. And Fear will always outweigh Greed.  
I have scheduled negotiations with Asturia's king. Simple negotiations. Nothing too malicious. That is certainly not necessary for now. I will first appeal to their greed. Though we do not have much in material goods to trade, there is always creativity and technology, something that Asturia lacks. I believe the easiest thing will be to convince them that we can help them to prosper economically. I haven't got an idea as to how yet, but I will by the time the meeting comes.

In the future it may become necessary to use intimidation and force to keep them with us. Asturia is country. However, it behaves more like an alliance of merchants. As such, it has no great sense of pride. This is a fair-weather country, one which will tire of an alliance eventually.

It does sadden me that no one ever cooperates. However, there is a task that must be done. And just as these meetings can only be conducted properly using intimidation, so must our foreign policy be carried out.

Entry 653

I recieved a message from Lord Korrade. I was a bit surprised, to say the least. And not at all pleased.  
He was worried about me, thanks to messages and reports he had recieved (As many people view him as my superior, and wish to have him help get me away from them.). He mentioned that I could always come back to my old position, so long as I would follow the rules.  
He also voiced his dissaproval about my plans for Asturia.

The second message, written in reply to my reply, was much more amusing.  
"I fear for my country"  
I can not help but laugh at this. If I can frighten him, it is worth everything. I had told him that I had not truthfully considered his opinion of value ever since he started mistreating and misjudging me. I also made it clear I had no intention of going back.  
And, of course, I made mention that no sorcerer has the right to try and influence Zaibach's foreign policy. That was a different department altogether, one which he would never understand.

I did it only to aggravate him and for that I am certain to recieve many angry messages from him in the future.  
Ah, well.  
Perhaps he ought to learn to calm down. People may think him insanely belligerent and lock him up.  
And perhaps I shall mention that in my next note, along with a statement of my fear for personal safety in regards to him. He, of all people, should know how easy it is to get someone locked up with statements like that.

Entry 659

Lord Korrade and I have been waging message war. We seem to have gotten off of the subject of my 'erratic' behavior (finally) and on to a subject of actual business. The latest experiment in his group is finally set for use. His problem, however, is in making the other soldiers accept this one. I do intend to help with this problem, but I could not resist telling him that this is not my problem. We fought about that for awhile. He finally resorted to his biggest weapon: A threat to report me to the Emperor.  
"Which will gain you what, exactly"  
He had to concede in the next message that he could not win. After all, everyone knows that the Emperor listens to me far more than he does the other sorcerers.

After I had enjoyed the satisfaction of winning, I told him I would take care of the problem for him. This did not prove as easy as I had originally planned. No one wanted a soldier from the sorcerers, let alone a foreign one. However, if I sit with a problem long enough, I can find an answer. It takes a bit of logic, that's all.  
I paid General Adelphus a visit. We spoke civilly for a few minutes, which I think is our highest record. (Normally it only takes half a minute for him to dole out his frustrated insults and for myself to resort to petty mindgames)  
I commended him on his recent victory and questioned him about his training methods, as well as the groups under his command. He admitted to having open spaces for some new groups. Perfect!  
I then informed him that he would be taking this soldier on. He was not happy about this, of course. However, I did not intend to back down upon this. I have also been well schooled in the art of blackmail. (Royals tend to be.)

After thoroughly convincing him that this was a good idea, I wrote back to dear Lord Korrade that the situation was under control and he could send the soldier to Adelphus at his earliest convenience.

All in all, I think today was the best day I've had in quite some time. I am thankful. There is no doubt that I needed the rest.

Yay for tie-ins! There were two in this chapter. One for "Healers in Shadow" and another for "In a Cup of Tea."

In case you haven't read that one, or in case my dear Shelly has not updated the fic to that point, there is mention of "A Brief Look at Philosophy"  
This is a running joke that started in a thread at a forum I visit, in which we named off titles of books that Escaflowne characters might right.  
The full title is "A Brief Look at Philosophy: Vol. 1-35." It was assumed that Folken would find that many volumes to be very brief indeed, most definitely not long enough to hold any indepth knowledge on the subject.

I would also have this tie in to Weapon of War, but...eh...I want to try something different because I think it will be more fun.

I thought about writing in something about Folken's stylist, however I decided I'd rather leave that for when I can scan the picture that inspired this chapter. The stylist is very very small. Twas amusing.

I had hoped to put across that Folken has matured more in how he interracts with others. I think of him like a three-act play. Happy and perky Folken, happy disturbed Folken and ice-water Folken. We are leaving happy disturbed Folken now and starting to get into the ice water. However, I am hoping to show that he is still essentially the same in all this. All he wants is to do something useful and to help bring about good change. He can't very well do that with everyone aggravating him, so he drops every vestige of personality and pushes people away. He can't do it without people cooperating, so he becomes slightly dictatorial. These are all just factors of logic.  
And that transition leads to the Folken that I like best. My sarcastic and bored Folken. He is the most amusing to write for, I think. And it also provides for fun ways that he can influence Dirandau later on. Which is the reason why I think it would be more fun not to tie this in with Weapon of War.

Anyway. Previews!

Alright, so what's coming next?  
These will be listed in no particular order and will have a rating of (V) for Violence, (SV) for Slight Violence, (NV) for Non-violence, and (GT) for Gatty Torture. Because everyone ought to know by now that I have some undue prejudice against Gatty  
I am doing this because a friend of mine is not so inclined to my brand of violence as I am, and so this will help her avoid anything when she's not ready for it.

"The Diva" (SV)  
-A story involving Dirandau being forced to motivate the public. Through song. I'm sure you are all horrified...

"A Fading Shadow" (NV)  
-Based off an RP I briefly became obsessed with. What if Emperor Dornkirk had died partway through the series? This story was to go into depth into politics and economics. However, my version of Folken is a drama-queen and HAD to take over.  
Fans of Van might enjoy this. He actually has a role here. And while Folken and Zaibach have a shadow which looms over everything, Van is pretty much the main character. We even get a glimpse at my version of Hitomi.  
You may be frightened, but...whatever.

"One Night Can Last Forever" (NV)  
-I'm delving so far into yaoi, it's sad. One shot, completely from Miguel's POV, pondering the previous night. A night which was spent in the arms of someone whom his commander would certainly not appreciate him sleeping with. And it's not Van. hah!

"Economica" (NV) For now  
-...okay, so I'm an idiot and I want to discuss economics and politics. This is not a finished story Thus why the title needs work., but it will head in the direction which I had intended "Fading Shadows" to go. Involves Dryden. Should be fun, if only fun for me.

"Behind the closet door." (V) (GT)  
-Something which has long been in the works, based on the other dream I had the night I dreamt of "Inconvenient Situation." Involves General Adelphus with a plot to fake Dirandau's death. Was also not fun to experience firsthand.

"In the Enemy Camp" (V)  
-I had, at some point, felt I should write a piece dedicated solely to humor. However, this quickly ceased to be simple and light because...well, because I just can't write that kind of thing on my own.  
So I decided to try my hand at the age old sent-to-earth-via-beam-of-light premise, with my own little flare. Starring, for now, the Dragonslayers.  
If you please, picture a group of 15 soldiers trained to defeat all enemies in any way possible. Now picture this same group of young men in a mall food court, something the likes of which they've never seen, being spoken to by the police in a language they couldn't possibly understand about laws that they have no knowledge of.  
Misunderstanding is rife in this and it is pretty much...well, a lot of fun.  
It is also not exactly finished.

"The Message Board." (GT)  
-Another title that needs work. This one has not even been started yet.  
It will be starring Gatty.  
Basic premise: There is a switchboard on the Vione which can be accessed via various comm links, to ring for a messenger. Most messengers, if they are good, have duty at this switchboard for a week or so every year. And now it's Gatty's turn.  
This will be done to help relieve frustration from my own job. And also because I have this thing about Gatty. I like him but he needs to be tormented, and what better way than to put him on the phone where everyone can call in to aggravate him?  
Expect to learn a lot about my version of Zaibach messenger protocol.

And then, of course, there will be another chapter of Healers in Shadow (Though I have nothing new written yet)  
OH!  
And Weapon of War draws ever closer to it's conclusion! YAY! FINALLY!  
(I love the story, but it really does need an ending...)

So, many plans, a few of which have actually been finished. 


	5. Chapter 5

Entry 668 

I must pay this poor boy Albatou a visit sometime. It seems he is having difficulty finding a place among his fellow soldiers. Arguments abound as to his rights to be there. I hear such insults about him, about his nationality, his past, the rumors that travel so quickly about him. It all seems rather familiar. I feel I should offer him some words of advice, and possibly hope. There is no need for him to be so despondent or lonely as I have found myself due to this strange custom of alienating strangers.

Thinking more upon this, I may very well have to take him under my care. I would hate to think that he might be left to that same sort of violent and belligerent madness as I have previously found myself in. He most likely would recieve less luck than I in regards to punishments.

Perhaps I will speak with him about his current situation tomorrow. I've nearly finished my book series, and it is time I've set myself up with a new project.

Entry 669

I suppose I should blame myself. I should've assessed the situation and dealt with it before problems arose. Maybe I had hoped that they wouldn't be so careless. I really should have known better.

After a brief interview with young Dirandau, I am thoroughly horrified. He is completely belligerent and hateful, and refuses to do his job. He has told me as much.  
"You can put the sword in my hands if you want, but you can't make me use it!"

His eyes and words yield such resentment. Someone so small should not be able to contain so much hate.

I think the first thing to do is to break him of these habits of violence. Let him scream until he can scream no more. Then he will be able to listen. He has plenty of reasons to be angry and I can certainly understand that. I can not help him, however, if he does not calm down.  
If he is treated with derision and hatred by everyone, it will be no wonder that he will exhibit those same qualities about everyone else. It is perfectly logical.

I have ordered that a place be cleared for him. He'll have his own space free from these others. I'll see if I can save him yet.

Entry 675

Dirandau is a complete child, as one could expect. I suppose that is one reason that the others feel incapable of dealing with him. In Zaibach, children are never realy children. They are simply small and weak workers who must work as hard as they can to bring on their early death as quickly as possible.  
But he is not an adult. He is a child, as I've said before. I can hear it in his sad words and desparate looks. Underneath the rage, there's a pain the likes of which no one should suffer.

Entry 680

My current attempt to help the young man has him at quite a loss of sanity. If he feels that there is no alternative, then he will more than likely allow me to teach him. It is only a matter of reaching that point.

I am certain the general is pleased with what I am doing. Having him locked up in a secluded area with me means that Dirandau will not be able to be a nuisance to him or his subbordinates.  
I must confess, the idea of it is strange, considering my own hatred for being locked away. The difference between that and this, however, is being left alone with nothing. I would never do such a thing to someone. Never.

Dirandau is currently sleeping, no doubt exhausted by the day's efforts. This is the only peaceful hour I have had since the ordeal has begun. He is a sad case, indeed. Even now, as he is sleeping, he doesn't look at all peaceful. He cries often when he thinks no one can hear, or when he forgets himself. I can only imagine what horrors he has suffered at the hands of my former master.

Perhaps this is why I feel so much of a need to help him. To pay the debt I owe for serving with such a depraved group of men. I've tried forgiving myself for what I've done, however it proves next to impossible. I could say that it was circumstance, I suppose. I could say that I was only following orders. I could say that I was coerced...that I tried to refuse, and my refusals were rejected. But I did get away, didn't I? I didn't have to...well, I could have refused the moment I found out. I could still do something...

Entry 690

This madness has to end somewhere!

Entry 692

I've been in very poor spirits lately, no doubt brought on by the lack of sleep. Or perhaps Dirandau has simply brought up too many memories of my past in a time when I was unprepared to recieve them.  
At any rate, I am better now and hopefully will not ramble on so idiotically as I have. I had forgotten my goals momentarily, what needs to be accomplished. I have such a poor memory at times, it seems, and forget that what we hope to accomplish will eradicate these horrid injustices which are everyday occurence the world over.

Pain and suffering are terrible things and I would give anything to eradicate them from existence. One thing must be kept in mind, however; If these problems are never solved, the pain will continue, and it will continue for everyone. I've heard that little question of ethics. "If you had the chance to take away all the pain and suffering in the world, but the cost of doing so was to put all that pain on one person who must suffer alone, would you do it"  
Many will shout, "No!" They believe it a deplorable thing.  
Logically, however, it would make no sense not to do this. People suffer needlessly. So many have horrid burdens on their shoulders, so that it feels as if the weight of the world is upon them anyway. If only one man need suffer this, it would be better to do so.  
And if I could, I would make myself that man. I would gladly volunteer for it, so long as I knew that everything would turn out fine.

IIIII

Author's notes: I'm sorry that I can't comprehend how to deal with FFN's autoformat things. I've noticed that a lot of my chapters online would be less confusing if they could be seen in the way that I had intended.

I hadn't intended to write any more fanfiction. I rarely get reviews anymore. If they are recieved they are for my yaoi pieces, which are simply one shots that I've no intention of continuing. (I apologize to anyone who dearly loved "Inconvenient Situation." It is one of my favorites, and I had attempted to continue it due to the number of people requesting I do this, however I couldn't find any way to really continue it.

However, the other day I had been doing some searching and randomly felt for Folken, remembering him and his side of the story and all the reasons I had loved and appreciated him. And so I was compelled to write a little more.

Therefore, you may expect very sporadic and rare updates to this piece, as I still feel for him. Currently, though, I've been more in the mood to work on original pieces and attempt to do something that will get me somewhere in life. Or at the very least, make things easier, because the gods only know it's hard enough.

At any rate, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope it afforded you an opportunity to think. And I also hope you'll forgive me if I do not concentrate on these stories much at all.


End file.
